Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 1:10 am Post subject: Lets give this a try
Well this is somewhat of a backstory of a character I have come up with.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The rain came down softly on the ground and the young boys hair. Silver shinned in the snow white hair that covered his head. It dripped off his bangs and landed on his face. His ice-blue-rain-silver eyes were embraced by sorrow as he looked back at the town that was his home. Fire danced with the rain, bringing a sweet yet bitter light to the night. He could still hear the cries of his neighbors and friends as they burned in the flames warm, gentle, yet brutal touch. He felt a warm tear run down the side of his face, rubbing against his cheek. Something he didnt know he would never feel again for a long time. He still remembered the last thing he heard his sweet mother saying to him. "Manatu what ever you do it is for the right cause."
He couldnt stand hearing that running though his mind. Manatu felt sick to his stomach. The peopel he loved were dying by the hands of the very person they had come to trust and he ran. Manatu looked back and could see the man's shadow walking towards him. Manatu knew it was run...or fight for his peoples divine retribution. Manatu felt all sorrow shift into anger and hate towards the man he trusted. The man looked at him and smiled. "Arn't you glad to see your father still alive son."
Manatu never felt so angry before he could feel his sorrow turn into hate. "Father you killed Mother, you killed our friends, our fellow people. Why?! Why?! Would you do something like that."
His father just grinned with those silver eyes that reflected the moon's light. "My dear dear son, I killed them because they cared for a freak like you."
Manatu just glared at his Father, sure he was born with the ears of a fox and the tail of one, but his Mother still loved him and so did his Father, well so he thought. His tail swished back in forth in anger. Manatu grabbed the sword at his side and ripped it out of its sheath. Its snow white blade shinned in the light of the flames and moon. The hande was pitch black with three white stripes circling around it. A long grey chain flowed from the end of the handle. It was a blade his Mother had given him. He lunged at his father with all his force and stabbed him in the chest. Manatu's Father looked down at his son. Little did Manatu know, his Father never saw the attack, he thought the boy was still standing there. Scarlet drained from his chest till the man that was his Father was nothing but a pale ghost. Manatu took his sword out and saw that no blood rested on the white blade.
Manatu walked away from his Fathers corpse, that day he was reborn. Manatu Frost was only on his 14th year of his life on that day, it was also the last day of his innocense.
Here's a preliminary list of corrections needed. They're in order as they appear, and I gave context clues to aid with identification. If there's any you don't understand just let me know.
The rain landed softly
young boy’s hair
Silver shined
snow-white
“ice-blue-rain-silver” (um... what? )
sweet, yet bitter
warm and gentle, yet brutal, touch
Something he, at the time, didn’t
would not feel
mother say to him:
Manatu whatever you do, it
couldn’t
people
“and he ran” (um... what? )
people’s
all his sorrow
he had trusted
aren’t
alive son?
Manatu had never
he could feel his sorrow turn into hate (repetition)
Father, you
Mother; you
friends; our
Why?! Why would
like that?
dear, dear
his Mother had still loved him, as had his Father, or so Manatu had thought at the time.
back and forth
snow white … shined (repetitive)
and the moon.
handle
pitch-black
attack; he
‘there’ is unclear
Father’s
corpse; that
only on the 14th year
day, but it
innocence _________________
Considering that the goal of any posts in this section is to prove your abilities at creating works of literary art, that approach was not necessarily a wise one. _________________
Dur likes to correct spelling and grammar.... hum.. note to self let Dur proof read...... _________________ [size=20]Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73% of all accidents involving falling objects.[/size]
I didnt post just to be insulted. If it makes you feel better to insult someone younger then you then...good for you.
Mmmm, it does! Your tears sustain me and feed the fuels of my blazing, evil heart.
Come off the self-righteous stool for a second and grow up. If you think that was an insult then you, sir, do not know me. If it were, for some inexplicable reason, in my intentions to debase you through the use of harsh vocabulary, I would have achieved the desired effect much more thoroughly than simply saying "that wasn't too smart."
My attempt to help you along with your writing has not only been ignored but also labeled as an attempt to crush your poor, little feelings. As it is so I have no further words for you. Good day, sir.
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum
)
