Posted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 1:03 am Post subject: The Origins Of Kevin
Chars:
Kevin (my guy)
Sam (Catp. of the Executor)
Jack ( Sam's 1st Mate)
Xericsa (Kevin's goto man)
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Kevin was awaken by the sun raising and shining through his window. He got up and walked over to the window. He looked down into his giant fortress, all people of Nerther were busy with their daily lives. Kevin shrugged "look at them all, they have no idea what real work is." He turned around a put on his Armor on. Xericsa throws open the door "My lord there a problem. There's something in the sky, it's unlike anything we've ever seen. The people are panicking, sir what should we do?" "WHAT!" Kevin grabs his Master Buster Sword. [This sword is unlike any other sword do to it's size and power. The sword's blade is 72" long, 18" wide, and 1 1/2 in inches thick. Was a Ethye type of blade, which means magical power could be transfered to the sword's amplifying it's attacks. The draw back to this is that once the sword starts to draw on the power of the user the sword starts to control the mind of the user. Kevin's sword had a spacial power source to prevent this. A large red crystal mounted on the Hilt.] Kevin ran out on to the balcony. Below him mass hysteria as the people ran, screamed and looked up in fear. Above Nerther was a giant space ship. It hovered right over the main part of the fortress. "Who are you! What do you want with this place!" Kevin yell up to the sky. There was no reply, Kevin looked at Xericsa "gather the generals I need to..." Kevin was cut by a slight humming and a blue light.
The Next thing he knew was that Xericsa and him self were sanding in a room with flashing lights and two people. "Which one of you is the leader of the land?" said one of the figures. "I am the leader" said Xericsa stepping in front of Kevin. "Oh you are you?" Said a figure siting in a chair the man played a video of Xericsa taking orders form Kevin. Xericsa stepped back and said "My apologies but, I do what I am trained to do." "You did well." Kevin said "What do you want with us, and who are you?" The lights came up reviling A man about the same age as Kevin and a younger man sitting at the console. "My name is Sam and this is Jack" Pointing to the man sitting down. "We took you asking for your help" Sam cleared his throat "You see I need a place that I can hid this ship, until the war in our part of the galaxy is over." Kevin nodded that he understood but Xericsa burst out "What! There are other places like our home." "Yes, there are many worlds out there. Yes and a large number of them are at war. So we need to hid this ship, it is to powerful for any side to have." Sam was in a hurry "That's way we stole it." Jack smiled "They didn't need to know that." Sam was getting angry "So, can we land and hid the ship on your planet?" Xericsa voiced his opinion "Sir, I think this is a bad idea. I don't trust them." "But look at all this" Kevin was memorized by all the tech on the bridge of the ship. "I'll make a deal with you, I let you land but you have to share your knowledge with our people." Sam thought about this "Okay I do it. Jack Plot a decent cor....." Sam was cut off by alarms going off "Sir, They found us!!" Jack yelled looking at a screen.
"This is not good!" Sam yelled as the Executor took another direct hit to the shields. "Sir!" Jack looked up from the screen "They're now targeting the planet!! With class 15 lasers!!" "Those @$@%$*!!" Laser shot pass their ship and hit the planet ripping it in two pieces. Kevin fell to his knees crying. "They will pay for that!!" Sam yelled "Fire the particle cannon!" "Sir it not finished. The radiation will have an unknown effects on us!" Jack said "I don't care Fire!" Sam was about punch Jack The main cannon fired on the Executor ripping time and space sucking the ship into a rift.
The Executor drifted in space "Main power back online" Xericsa said. Xericsa was learning everything he could about all this new technology in the pass few months since the battle left them in this dimension. "Drop me off on the closes livable planet" Kevin said look at the large front monitor. "Okay" said Sam he learned not to question Kevin if Kevin said something it was going to happen one way or another. "Before we drop you" said Sam take these" he hands Kevin a metal pole, a watch and a black leather coat. "You seem to like the Raputor so take it, also take the body armor. Now the watch is a new teleport device that I want you to have it works for short distances. Like 70 miles give or take a few." Sam smiled "it also has a connection to the virtual storage system. Your armor, sword and other assorted objects are in it. So have fun. It will be tied into your body and draw on it for it's power, you die it dies, it dies you die" The Executor dropped Kevin on a small little Blue-green Planet in the Western Spiral arm of an uncharted galaxy.
The Radiation from the particle cannon not only ripped a hole in space and time but it also mutated Kevin's DNA so that way he did not age. He wondered the Earth watching civilizations raise and fall, wars break out and to see the stars move.
((I know it's long, but you asked for it. Time 35 minutes to write, to edit unknown.)) _________________ [size=20]Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73% of all accidents involving falling objects.[/size]
Location: That little voice in the back of your head telling you to kill people.
Posted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 6:26 pm Post subject:
I think your on the right track blade but you had too much happen in a short time. and then almost nothing happen in a long period of time.
We need to work on how you describe things. and your actions.
For example:
instead of a spaceship just appearing in the sky.
There was a huge unnatural explosion that seamed to come from the heavens. The terrible roar from the sky only grew louder as a dark shaped object moved closer to the castle. Soon the object that looked like a giant metal floating ship of some kind came to a halt floating only a few feet from the castle. Causing Kevin to be concerned and a little frightened but not nearly enough to make him cower. _________________ Don't make me beat you with my spoon.
Yeah My fiends tell that all the time on my first drafts. I always write the facts then I come back later and expand on it in the 2nd and 3rd writes.
Here is something of mine in a second draft (does not have anything to do with the above) (yeh A.D.D.):
John Cole awoke to the gentle breeze coming though his window, which overlooked the small town of Greenville, California. Greenville was a small, quite, fishing port in the Northern part of the state. John got up just as his radio clock clicked on. John let go for a while even though he was up. He liked to listen to music. John walked over to the window and took in the view of the small harbor at the far end the of town. “Looks like another peaceful day.” John said to a 3-year-old German Shepherd Dog, named Zeus. Zeus just looked at John and went back to pretended he was asleep. John went into the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face. “Only 15 more years of this” he laughed at himself "Yeah right, they will never let me go" John looked at himself in the mirror. John was 38 years old, but he looked like was 22. John was in great shape, and stood six-foot two inches. There were no gray hairs in his thick brown hair, expect for a streak of white hair about an inch wide and an inch high that came to a point right above his left temple. He looked into his reflection and got lost in his own eyes, trying to recall his childhood but his past was a blur do to a car accident that happened when he was five. According to the report his father lost control of the car and warped it around a tree. The crash killed both his father and his mother. John couldn’t remember a thing, do to head-trauma from the impact of his head against the metal frame of the car, which gave him the unique patch of white hair. John had too in great shape because he was a K-9 officer for Eureka, California or at least that’s what every one in the country thought. But the truth was that he was FBI, and the Military. See was John was part of a special military program that specialized in cybernetics that enhances the body’s physical limits and performance. Zeus was also in this program, and was assigned to John. They were partners, for two years now. As part of the program both of them had microchips installed in their brains, and backs. They also had Nanobots swimming in their bloodstream to enhance their muscles and other important organs. The chips controlled the Nanobots, increased their intelligence level and allowed them to communicate with each other. John got dressed, and walked over to the window and slammed it shut.
“Come on Zeus” John said as walked to the door of the master bedroom.
Is it Monday already? A male teenage voice said in to John’s head. This voice John came to recognize this voice as Zeus. It took John about six months to convince himself he was not going crazy.
Yes, it is. Come on you know how crowded the roads get. And I’d like to get there early today. John thought as he looked at Zeus. Zeus shook his head at the sound of John’s voice in it.
You know I hate when you do that. You can just talk normally to me. I understand your spoken language. Zeus replayed with a slight tone of mocking in it.
“Fine but if we fail today I’m blaming you” John said out-loud “I believe the neighbors think I’m going crazy.” as looked out the other window which looked into his neighbors yard.
You are, you know. Zeus looked the other way when he said it.
John threw a pillow at Zeus. Zeus let the pillow hit him.
“Come on, I‘m getting breakfast and if you want to eat too you better come with me.”
What ever you say master… I’ll wait till you’re asleep then I’ll…
“I can still hear you!” John interrupted as he walked down the stairs.
Opus, So what are we having?
“Your favorite!” John shouted from the kitchen.
There’s no way we’re having three different kinds of bacon and chocolate-chip waffles with loads of maple syrup and ice cream on top. Zeus jumped up from his bed which was a collection of pillows, sheets, and chair cushions that he ‘found’ in the neighbors’ yards.
John looked at Zeus as the dog caught up with him at the last step. John was shocked and then Said “Well if I was fixing your last meal then yes, but since I’m not going to kill you.... we’re having one kind of bacon, but no chocolate chip waffles, ‘cause you’re a dog. But plain waffles are okay with you right. And I know you remember the Maple Syrup incident from last month.
Yeah, my fur was stuck together for a week. But what about Ice cream?
“Change the ‘Ice’ to ‘Whip’ and you got yourself a deal.”
John searched for the waffle iron and Zeus curled up on the couch and looked through the bay window, which had the same view of the bay as the one upstairs has.
Going to be a beautiful day. Zeus said to John although he had the strangest feeling.
* * *
Man's Best Friend: The New Age/ Part: 1/ Section: 1 by: Kevin Szkil copyright:3/26/2007 _________________ [size=20]Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73% of all accidents involving falling objects.[/size]
Location: That little voice in the back of your head telling you to kill people.
Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2007 1:33 am Post subject:
Much better. Still need work in a few places but that was excellent of course our rpg's won't be moving like this but this shows your talent. remember when you are distracting what your doing and the area around you use as much detail.
think about it if you take a picture of the room your standing in how much will it take to describe that room. _________________ Don't make me beat you with my spoon.
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